Thursday, September 25, 2008

So early in the much to say...

.....but I'll probably forget 1/2 of it before I get to it!

Last night as I lay in bed trying to fall asleep, the AC kicked in. The AC unit is right outside our bedroom. The stupid thing has started squealing while it runs. Actually, it started a few weeks ago, but only on occasion. It built up to being every time it runs. It's not as noticeable during the day, I'm sure because of the daily noises that fill the air. But in the still of night, it's as loud as if someone is blowing a horn in your ear. I considered pulling myself out of the comfort of my bed last night to shut off the AC, but opted instead, to let myself drift off. I was pretty tired, so that wasn't too difficult.

At 5:15 this morning, I was wishing I had conquered my desire to just drift off. The sound of that thing cranking on again, pulled me from a nice slumber. Of course, now, I'd gotten some sleep and did not even hesitate getting up to shut it off. I plan on making a phone call today...

After returning to my bed and wondering if I'd be able to fall back to sleep, I don't think the thought even had time to cross completely to the other side of my mind, and I was out. Only to awake 45 minutes later to the soft "thump, thump, thump" of someone knocking on my bedroom door. I ignored it at first, thinking "If you want something, come in...don't wake me up by knocking on my door and assuming I'm going to get up to open it!" (although the thought probably sounded more like a groaning.."go away, leave me alone") The knock came again, this time I considered yelling "Come in" or "What do you need?" but decided I didn't want to wake up Josiah, so instead, I got up and opened it. It was Trenton, upset because he had wet his pants. Funny how just last night, he had no problem letting himself right in when he decided he needed to climb into my bed. I guess he realizes that I don't usually turn him away in the middle of the night when he needs some comforting, but that wetting his pants does not get rewarded. Not that I yelled at him for it. Had it been the middle of the day and he just got to the bathroom too late...that's a different story. (Which thankfully, we hardly ever have to read that book anymore.) Anyway, I got him some dry clothes, turned on a movie for him, and tucked him back into his bed.

This time, I wasn't as succesful at drifting right back off to sleep. I think it may have been that I caught the light through the blinds as I climbed back into bed. I think it woke my brain up. My mom has always said that as a baby, I was "up with the sun." I lay there and my brain started turning itself on. Thoughts started flowing in.

The first one being this...last night Trenton fell asleep on the living room floor just before we had family prayer. It didn't occur to me just before he fell asleep that he was looking for one last hug and "I love you, Trenton" before he zonked, and he didn't get it. My heart was suddenly aching this morning as that thought crossed my mind. Let me explain. For a good 3 years, Trenton had this weird obsession with my arms. It started with my left arm and eventually made it's way to my right arm. (Anyone who knows us well, is familiar with this story and even got to witness it a time or 2.) It started just before we moved from A.J. At first it was cute and didn't bother me. He would come to me, grab onto my arm and pull it around him. Then he'd sort of wrap himself around it like it was a body pillow. He'd do this in the middle of the day, usually if he was starting to get sleepy and ready for a nap. In the middle of the night if he felt the need to crawl into my bed, he'd snuggle on my arm, at which point, I'd throw the pillow I'd been holding onto the floor, and snuggle Trenton instead. It slowly grew into this thing where he'd gently rub his nose along my arm and then his cheek, always holding onto it. I never quite knew what he was doing. Sometimes I'd ask "Trenton, what are you doing? Are you smelling my arm?" He'd just look at me with these glazed eyes. I think it put him in a trance. It got to the point that it was just weird. He wasn't doing it all the time or anything, but he was just getting bigger and it was kinda awkward. I would tell him that he needed to stop and that he was getting to big for this. But it continued. Since we've been in this new house, he rarely does it. I wish that I'd picked up on that last night. I hate to think that I missed out on something my child needed. Especially when you consider that you never know when it's going to be the last opportunity. I don't want there to be a time when I have to look back and regret all the chances I missed.

For some reason, after that thought flowed through my head (of course it only took a matter of 30 seconds or so for it to all hit me, rather than the time it would take to read all this next thought was just in the line up of all the thought processes I had while laying there, trying to go back to sleep.) the thought of...what if Josiah and I had only had 1 child. What if we'd stopped after Rylie was born. How nice it would be to have money to put her in all the activities that I've ever dreamed of putting my kids into. Making sure she was well rounded in all things possible. I thought..."she's definitely got the right sort of personality to have been an only child"...but I think most "first" children probably come with that attitude or personality...just incase. Well, those thoughts of wondering what it would have been like were quickly blurred over with the thoughts about how...she is who she is, because she has siblings. I don't even want to think about what or who she'd be if she didn't have them. She is so awesome. A great leader. She's a great example to her brothers and sister. She's funny and caring and helpful...and so much more. If she had been an only child, who would she get to be funny with? There would be no one to help reach a bowl out of the cupboard, etc. I'm grateful that there were more spirits waiting to fill our home after she arrived.

Anyway, just a glimpse into the sort of thoughts I entertain as I try to fall back to sleep. I'm sure there were more, but like I said...I've forgotten them by now.

Now it's after 7 and kids are needing to get up and I'm in need of a shower. Hope everyone has a fabulous Thursday! OH! Also, I finished mine and my mom's "FALL" so look for those pictures later.


scrappiemom said...

Thank you for your insight this morning. I needed it. Just consider this your morning hug and kiss from your mom. I love you!

lundgrenville said...

Its apparent that I am not alone when I think about anything and everything while I am supposed to be resting. It seems like my clock is turned off when I crawl into if its time to think about daily errands, or chores...or deadlines...things I children...etc.
I guess thats the mom in it is for everyone else.
That Trenton is a cutie!

Jenna Consolo said...

That was pretty good stream-of-consciousness. I think every mom can relate. It's so hard to remember those regrets later on, isn't it? You're such a good mom though, Sarah. Your kids are very lucky. And I'm so glad Rylie isn't an only child! I feel sorry for onlies.

Chelley said...

I enjoyed your stream of thoughts! You are a caring mom and it shows. It was fun to read your thoughts today!